Mariella Gattini

When kids are mistreated, they have two choices—to repeat that pattern of behavior and do to others what has been done to them, or to spend the rest of their lives doing the opposite, proving wrong the ones who mistreated them, because they know too well the outlasting damage caused by mental and/or physical abuse.

Unfortunately, those affected by abuse of any kind, who try to intellectually remove themselves from that behavior, might give up at one point in their lives and fall for the same pattern instilled in them because, in some cases, the damage bores a hole too deep in the unconscious. So they harm others, harm themselves, or do both.

From that point of view, in order to abstain from violent behavior, damaged individuals have to actively engage in a mental exercise every minute of their lives, and conscientiously get away from what might trigger a negative response that most probably would yield an irreversible outcome on their targeted individual(s). However, our intellect alone is not enough to solve problems of that nature. If our brain is not helping, we have an obligation to seek help elsewhere and engage with others at an emotional level, where the problem lies. Then vulnerability, as uncomfortable as it can be, opens your hermetic door to allow in the first rays of hope for a better you.

Violence can be translated into many layers of human behavior in a society, from the micro to the macro. From pettiness between individuals to actual outbursts of verbal and physical abuse at an international level.

Today, we all are suffering the consequences of damaged individuals’ words and actions, who do not seem to know the difference between right and wrong, and who have chosen to do to others what was done to them, bullying their way forward, because instead of facing and dealing with their own demons, they have decided to blame everyone else, which is inexcusable, since everyone, damaged or not, has the capacity for aggression, but the vast majority chooses not to engage in a behavior that can be detrimental to themselves and/or others.

We all have free will, believe it or not, but it goes hand in hand with the responsibility we have for ourselves and those around us.

A good example would be that of paying attention when we are driving.

I don’t know you, but I’m very aware of the fact that, after driving around on highways, roads, and streets, I arrive home in one piece, not just because I’m an excellent driver (which I’m, thank you very much), but because of everyone else driving along with me that day.

It’s true that it takes only one idiot on the road to cause a terrible accident that could kill many, but that idiot does not represent the majority of drivers around, despite people’s anxiety, errors in judgment, lack of vision, and pure insecurity. The majority of drivers get the job done and arrive home or at their workplaces on time and in one piece their entire lives. They don’t use the roads and other drivers for their personal vendettas, because that behavior indicates a serious mental disturbance. Nobody in their right minds would think that behaving that way would lead to the solution of one’s problems.

Blaming the rest of the population for your problems is an indication of cynicism coupled with an element of sociopathy. The perfect storm for mass murder. The cynicism lies in the belief that everyone is the same and irrelevant, and the sociopathic element is in the lack of capacity for empathy and for accepting responsibility for our own actions. Blaming others distances us from liability in the act of doing harm.

The reality is that (1) not all individuals are the same and every life matters; besides, it is a fact that 99.9999…% of those around you are not the ones who hurt you; therefore, they don’t have any responsibility in that particular matter and are not to blame. (2) Your sociopathy is not a legitimate point of view; it’s a choice. Resorting to verbal or physical abuse is a choice, therefore entirely preventable.

Negligent, abusive, and violent politicians don’t make violent followers; violent individuals feel attracted to violent politicians as a way of legitimizing the bullies they really wish to be in a society. So the problem doesn’t lie with violent politicians alone; it especially lies with those who feed them.

Finally, since we all are suffering the consequences of the decisions made by damaged individuals who at this point refuse to accept responsibility for their own behavior, we have mainly two choices—accept silently the mistreatment imposed on us and perpetuate that behavior forward, or spend the rest of our lives proving them wrong. I would personally choose the latter, since violent behavior is a choice, therefore completely preventable.

You cannot walk off your mental problems and hope for the best. You need to deal with them, take responsibility for your own brain, and seek help if it is too much for you to handle. And remember that psychiatrists and psychologists are people just like you, dealing with their own issues, so do not stop seeking help just because you don’t get along with the first therapist you engage with. Keep looking until you find the right professional, so that the two of you can agree on a treatment that works best for you.

Our emotions, whether negative or positive, are there to protect us from the world. Our job is not to repress them (a voluntary action) or suppress them (an involuntary one); our job is to tame them and channel them into outlets for creativity and productivity, such as the arts, science, politics, business, and personal lives. Unchecked and untamed negative emotions inevitably lead us into violence.

Violence yields only damage, doesn’t teach people lessons, and it’s not indicative of strength; on the contrary, it is pure human weakness. In order to strengthen our human relations, we need to leave violence, cynicism, and sociopathy out of the equation. And accept the fact that, as individuals, we cannot change bad actors, but we can do so much good to ourselves and to everyone else.

Sometimes, at the end of any quest, it comes down to just one person making all the difference for a better life. Sometimes, simply stopping at a red light is more than enough to prevent a tragedy.